December 23, 2010- Boston, MA Just in time for the Secular Holidays, the ACLU was presented a gift, not from secularist holiday icon Gay Ol' Sam Nick*, but by the 9th Federal Court of Appeals when it upheld the ACLU case against the terms "Christian", "Christianity", and "For Christ's Sake" in a religious context. It has not yet ruled on the terms and their derivatives "Catholic", "Presbyterian", "Episcopal", and "Lutheran". Last year's ruling against "Babtist" by the same court is considered a bellwether of things to come, however.
"This is a victory for free Americans, who have long been oppressed by the holier than thou cult of followers of the teachings of Jesus of Nazereth," said Simon Weasleby, ACLU General Counsel. "Our efforts to rid this great country of the scourge of oppression represented by those that want to deify a human 2000 years dead and hold their superstitious beliefs above those of us who do not share in the faith or the principals of this mythical figure is a great win for the Constitution of the United States. We fought the name as a hideous perjorative and hate speech because of the resentment bred by reference to this man by the C-word... and we are glad that our judges see the term as we do... as hate language it is! At this rate, we will achieve our goal of near 100% faithlessness in less than 2 generations... and finally ensure an America with the full Civil Liberties it so truly deserves."
In a related ruling, other hate terms disallowed by the court this year pertaining to various industries included the oil and gas industry terms "dry hole", "duster", "drilling", "nipple up", and "rack".
Comments Weasleby, "Although drilling for oil and gas is tantamount to raping the earth, and rape is perhaps the greatest denial of Civil Liberties of all, we need to live with the continued reality that our volvos still run on filthy hydrocarbon, although the US has spent some 100 billion dollars in the last 5 years within the best research universities and institutions in the country for a long-promised clean, abundant, cheap power source. Until then, the terms 'dry hole' and 'duster' are hurtful terms that we went to court to abolish after the court refused to abolish the industry in general in 2007. People need to refer to these as "Salt Marsh Protected Wetlands Feeder Springs" and "Economically-Less Fortunate Boreholes". We have hopes that our efforts in the following year will legalize the long-held practice of trucking oil from a productive lease to a non-productive lease in order to affirm an economically just system that does not unfairly penalize the less fortunate. Everyone deserves the right to a productive oil well", added Weasleby.
*Gay, Ol' Sam Nick was introduced via great fanfare as the new Secular Holidays icon in 2008. A dashing, fit, older gay gentleman, Sam Nick sports a tasteful, yet trendy wardrobe with signature Red highlights, as voted by the retail industry every summer. Sam surrounds himself with children and uses the Secular Holidays to teach children of all ages the joys of sex in all of its wide varieties, except those shown by late 20th century university studies to be morally reprehensible, such as the woman-debasing man/woman married variety. Santa Claus, the precursor of Sam Nick, was demonstrated to be a wholly unhealthy role-model to childen with his overtly crypto-christian undertones, his obesity, that, although legally actionable against the many children who left him cookies, he refused to do his civic duty by refusing to sue every "c-word" family with children in America in a reverse Class-Action lawsuit as pointed out by the Plaintiff Attorneys Against the UnAmerican Santa Claus, and accusations of Claus remonstrating children about being "naughty" and "nice", which we now know are morally relativistic terms conditional on a variety of background issues such as economic and race considerations of any particular children.
Seriously folks, 2004 has been a great year, folks. I hope 2005 is even better. We are the luckiest people on earth, in the greatest country on earth, in the finest industry on earth, by any objective standard. We have saved more family farms than a million Willies Picnics, we have provided a rising standard of living to the entire world, we have slashed away at poverty worldwide, and we do it by creating NEW wealth, not redistributing old wealth. There is a strong correlation between Energy Consumption and GDP for every country on earth. Be proud and be loud. I love all of you who make this a great business. Merry Christmas, as in the Birth of Christ, or Happy Holiday of your choice. I love the fact that you are free to celebrate how you choose.